My sister introduces me to this guy; that’s a story for another day. The wow effects this guy had on me, I couldn’t recover for quite a while. I think I was suffocating for the five year relationship I had told you earlier but I had not realized. This made me see how much I had needed some fresh air, but I was too engrossed to realize it.
This time I am in some computer business. Have you seen or probably heard of an old vehicle which will just go off whenever it wants and ends up putting you in some awkward situation or rather very embarrassing moments? That’s how the computers I had would behave. No, they would only behave that way when I had some work from a customer, probably a thesis they are supposed to present the following day in the morning or some wedding cards that a customer has to wait for because apparently there is a relative who has to go distribute.
Guess what, actually your guess is right, my new friend is an IT guru, and actually I call him a nerd. But can he be a nerd and charming at the same time? This guy was just the kind of person you would like being in their company any time. He hit me flat-out “10 nil you may say”. Can you smell a rat? I mean regarding the five-year relationship😉
I trusted myself though; I was in love, and in a very serious relationship for that matter. The challenge was, how can someone have a guy for a friend? Just like that? With no strings attached? There must be more than meets the eye. As far as I was concerned, he should not be a threat, he was not a preacher, and neither was he a preacher’s child. This way I didn’t see any reason for my fiancé to get worried, yeah! Please stop looking at me like that😉 call me naïve, it’s alright.
Poor me, little did I know I was sitting on a time bomb! Did I know this was a scandal in the waiting? Nah… The challenges of my computers dying anyhow and embarrassing me had gotten taken care of though. I had just the right friend. A few months down the line, I have managed to convince him to be fellowshipping at our church. My doing this was just genuine, no personal interests (I know what ur thinking 😉) the church was just the best. At least I know we fed on legit word. I was just looking out for a brother; of course, that is what good friends do. Oh boy, didn’t I just land myself to hell. Until yesterday, I am still convinced this guy I was dating had found a better paid girl than I was but he didn’t know how or have an excuse on how he would leave me.
The pressure of relationships can be so draining and especially where there are insecurities. Finally I am accused of everything humanly possible and I decide enough! Looking at myself today and that petit, naïve, innocent girl back then, I think all that which I was subjected to was unfair. But who am I to decide what’s fair and what isn’t? Several months of scandals, serving in church became a seriously straining and draining issue. By the way all the youth who were punished then because of mistakes I did or did not do; my apologies.
My IT boyfriend by this time had made advances severally which I ignored. Nicely of course because this was a friendship I couldn’t afford to lose; for my own selfish reasons. I knew nothing could possibly happen between us. I knew how to set boundaries and keep them. Especially when there were so many looking up to me.
How many of the scandals and rumors could this little girl accommodate? Apparently, people in church too couldn’t understand how this guy came from Nairobi and doesn’t seem to be going back any time soon. He has even become a member of the church, a very active one for that matter. Isn’t this too much of a coincidence?
Have you heard a saying that says, ‘what a woman won’t do out of love they will do out of spite?’ That’s how my new relationship began. How can everyone decide I am dating someone I am not? So I decide, why don’t I just do it? Is that rioting, feels like rebellion, right? Please don’t do this. It worked for me, but it may not work for you. Looking back, I am so convinced God had wrapped by blessing in a very unusual way. I thought it was just protest, but this must have been God.
Did I say now that I have the hottest guy in town it didn’t hurt? I had invested so much in this relationship; emotionally, my time and just me. Being human I am looking at the many serious guys I had turned down. Some that I wished had come earlier 😉 please don’t look at me like that. I actually remember during some of the mini break-ups we had during the five years, which by the way happens so much if you decide to count…
Several years down the line, I know why T. D Jakes called a sermon I listened to, the BACKSIDE OF BETTER. You look at people in relationships and nice marriages and you envy them, it has not been all sugar and honey. In every better, there is a backside.
In this social media era, you are tempted to keep stalking your ex to see the posts they are making. You may keep wishing they change their mind and come back to you. But is it really worth it? Redeem yourself worth. By this I don’t mean you disregard your emotions, you are only human, don’t pretend like it never happened, but create a balance. Don’t let your emotions rule over you.
There are some lessons I have gathered along the way. This I am not speaking as a relationship coach, but from experience:
This isn’t exhaustive.
I thank God for this far. I am a firm believer of Romans 8:28 – and we know (with great confidence) that God (who is deeply concerned about us) causes all things to work together (as a plan) for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.
For any kind of support don’t hesitate to reach out!
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… They called her Emmoh, Emmy, Emmie, Em…the little petite naïve village girl. For reasons divine she enjoyed favor unexplainable, everywhere she went. At home the siblings felt she was dad’s favorite so they would use her to get whatever they wanted.
Fast forward, I am now in high school, very tiny. Initially I didn’t know anyone as I was reporting but later I saw faces I had met elsewhere. Being born again and no mentor, no one to look up to, I didn’t know what exactly was the right thing to do. Like any other girl I had this book that acted like a scrap book but specifically for lyrics. Not gospel of course. Please don’t look at me like that 😊 Yes, something would tell me it’s not right though, so I would do it under cover (Chini ya maji).
God had a way of preserving me all through. When the book of Ephesians says that even before the foundations of the earth were laid and made God knew you and predestined you, I am a sure believer of this.
I remember this particular evening a girl who was probably in form three or four came to our class and she calls out my name and I am wondering how does she even know me. As I followed her I am just wondering what on earth did I do or not do? All kind of thoughts were rushing through my mind. We walked silently along the then dark corridors; at least they were not well lit. Whatever was happening from within me you can bet wasn’t silent. One thing I knew I was a very good girl to have crossed anyone’s path 😊 yeah, I was good and I knew it.
I get into a meeting with teachers and some students. Getting into a meeting where everybody is seated already, I was so sure whatever it was, the verdict had been passed already. I was so sure my stay in this school was about to become miserable already if I was to last. So I was to know later that these were the Christian Union patrons and officials. I was informed that I had been chosen to represent the form ones in the Christian union leadership. This was one sure assurance that God had no plans to leave me to the impact of peer pressure! He for sure had me and He was right on time.
I was later chosen as a class prefect. People said enough times how I had leadership skills to have become the CU chairlady and a head girl … I however felt differently. It was nothing about leadership skills; it was purely God’s way of preserving me through high school. He mentored me by himself!
Being a leader, I had to be extremely careful about my character. Yes, I knew I was being watched; I knew someone was looking up to me; A role model to many. That for sure helped me a great deal.
Being a prefect of course you cross with so many people, especially those that will be punished because their names appeared in a list you forwarded. This is the category that called me “ka-holy-joh”. Actually, one of them told me. We will see how long your salvation would last after we finish school.
“Take it to the Lord in prayer.”
We have done two sessions on relationships and we agreed that relationships mean so many things but it is entirely how people or things connect. We also agreed that there are very many types of relationships but in this series I will specifically talk on dating, courtship and marriage.
On the second blog on relationships, someone said I talked too much for the girl and that the boy child was left out. Now this is that day, your cry reached the right ears. I know there are many misconceptions where our men and boys are concerned. They are expected to be in the know and rarely have mentorship and especially on relationships and especially on dating. I also feel men are socialized differently, from growing being told that boys don’t cry, men should not be emotional, being told to man-up and much more which makes me feel this is what will make it so hard for them to be vulnerable with their partners or spouses, the one thing that is so important in fostering good strong bonds and relationships.
Once upon a time I had this friend who would write me letters, phone calls and would pay me visits. Every time he came to visit I would give stories of these brothers who were on my case; little did I know I was scaring off an admirer. We were chatting with another friend and then he was telling me of this girl he had fallen for but couldn’t get the guts to tell her out rightly how he felt about her. So he would pay her a visit planning to ask her out but he couldn’t, it went on like this until when one day fortunately or unfortunately she greeted him with a wedding invitation. These are just but a few examples, this is to say that there is a great need for someone to stand up and help our young men understand that their expectations and the expectation the world has of them are way too different.
Other gentlemen will spend so much on a girl who they have not even expressed their intentions to. In their mind they are assuming the girl should understand these gifts are supposed to say that I am interested in you. Shock on you boy, we are different. From where I sit, I will avoid gifts from a guy I know I have no interest in because I don’t want to keep feeling indebted and feeling the need to reciprocate. There are other girls who will see this as an opportunity to squander mercilessly and look at you as being foolish. My dear son, the girl is waiting for you to spit those words out. Otherwise she can continue pretending that she doesn’t understand a thing. The same thing is expected when you hurt your girlfriend or your wife. Don’t use gifts to apologize. We want you to verbalize the apology, own up your mistakes, take responsibility and then the gift can come 🙂
Luke 6:38 the bible says, give and it shall come back to you, good measure shaken together, pressed down and running over. This verse is commonly used so much during funds drives but I feel it is so much meaningful in relationships. You give what you would want to receive. Be the date you want to attract. You want to be given attention, please give attention too. Hey son, a girl who is not willing to actively contribute to the growth of your relationship is not worth investing your time, resources and emotions on. As we ask what is in this relationship for me, we should also be asking, what can I offer? What am I bringing on board? Relationships are more of give and take. Parasitic relationships are draining and exhausting. If this girl doesn’t show any interest in understanding your vision, seeing you grow or improve, she is just not the one.
Apart from the gifts and parties, what else? There’s more to life than those happy hours. As a man we want you to take the lead, be objective. Are you able to answer to, where do you see us like two, three years from now? Living a day at a time is not for all situations. We need to know where this relationship is headed; who wants to be in a five years relationship that’s headed nowhere?
Beloved little things matters. Compliment your partner, recognize his/her accomplishments and efforts, it means so much when it comes from you. Thank your partner for the small things they do; none of them were your right. We are wired differently, kindly hear your girl out, be emotionally available. Step out of your way from time to time and just be with her; even when all she wants is to rant or vent. She feels so loved just by you being available for them. Being available and vulnerable to your partner enables you to grow and connect. Your girl wants you to know you can trust her with your feelings and your insecurities she is your friend and not the enemy.
My parting shots, there is more to a girl than curves and looks generally; I am not saying they don’t matter; it is important to have a girl or a guy you feel good walking around with or one you feel good introducing to your friends. Do you interact on the same level intellectually, in matters faith and beliefs, socially? Of uttermost importance, how compatible are you? By compatibility I am simply saying, the similarity of your lifestyles and values is what will determine how long you can stay together. The chemistry can be right, the way she makes you feel, the way she laughs at your jokes even when they are not funny at all but if you are not compatible, it’s not worth the risk.
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A relationship is a way in which two people or things are connected. With this knowledge, it is clear it could be a working relationship, family, business, situitionship, name them.
From the previous post, we agreed that before you get into any relationship there are some questions you should ask yourself because these questions will help maintain the relationship. Today’s blog is an attempt to discuss some of these questions.
You will allow me to keep using myself as a reference point not because what I feel is the bible truth and neither am I an encyclopedia but because I know someone can learn from my mistakes. You surely don’t have to fall into the same pits I fell. Actually, this is one of the reasons the bible says we are surrounded by a huge cloud of witnesses.
So like I told you earlier, I find myself in this relationship that lasted around five years. As I mentioned, I can’t remember this guy asking me to be his girlfriend. This situation I allowed myself into was a terrible one because it denied me so much. I denied myself an opportunity to date. I didn’t allow myself to choose. One of the most advisable things to do as a single person contemplating dating is, to consider dating a friend. Friendships are so important because we rarely pretend to our friends. As we hang out with friends from work, college or church we learn so much from each other than that romantic coffee or dinner dates. Before getting too close to this person you are eyeing, you can consider inviting them for hangouts, hikes name them. You learn a person so much from such engagements because no one has any reason to pretend about something since they are not being vetted.
Kindly remember dating is a stage of exploration. You don’t have to say yes to the first person who asked you out. Don’t put pressure on yourself. When you feel like you owe someone so much probably by the much they have invested in you, the fares that have been sent 🙂 or the money spent on cabs, that’s why I encourage friendships before you attach so much emotionally. On the fare issue, growing up my mum kept telling me, ‘Em, you can also pay for that dinner, don’t ever go out without your own money!’ call me old school; I still believe this is the best thing you can do for yourself as a girl.
So where is this headed to? Kindly don’t be embarrassed about being upfront about wanting a relationship. Anyone who quits because they felt you were being too straightforward, they were not meant to be. Why would you commit yourself emotionally to a person if they are not clear with their intentions? Why would you want to invest your time on something not defined? This is where you stop wasting people’s time; a whole five years 😉 headed nowhere! If you know you don’t want or are not ready for anything serious please make your declarations early enough or better still don’t start one.
Do you have any rules? The non-negotiable? Everyone ought to have their own rules as you enter into any relationship. These rules help you to build a healthy relationship or even save you from a one-sided or lethal relationship. Stick to your rules and even when they become perplexing don’t compromise. When talking of rules it has nothing to do with financial status, or appearances but value systems, persona, and character. As a girl if one of your non-negotiable is no sex before marriage, even when one or two guys goes, don’t you ever compromise, if he can’t wait, he doesn’t respect you enough and he doesn’t deserve you.
What is your value system? What is your belief system, your faith? Believing the same way establishes the basis of a relationship to thrive. Our religious beliefs are so important especially when you want a permanent relationship. Just ensure you have someone who believes the same way as you. Ladies believe they can marry someone then they can change them, please desist from this temptation, it is a recipe for disaster. Imagine you are a church girl and the guy you get married to wouldn’t go to church with you, or they wouldn’t allow you to a Kesha because they can’t trust you. As we look for people with who we share the same belief system, it’s equally important to have someone with that you can relate on the same level intellectually or career-wise. If you wanted to advance yourself career-wise, like go back to school, would this person support your dreams?
Amos 3:3 says two cannot walk together unless they agree.
2 Cor 6:14 do not be unequally yoked together with non-believers
If you cannot agree on those things you believe in, kindly leave as early as now. This will not change even after marriage. As you set your rules, don’t be deceived by looks, the shy ones can be the most caring while the most perfect could also be perfectly terrible, check the value system.
Be you and the world will adjust. This is a phrase I love. Most relationships suffer because people are not real, there is no honesty. Please be you whether they like you or not. Don’t even inflate the truth in the effort to impress, allow the other party to love or leave you for being you. Don’t set standards you cannot sustain.
To be continued …
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I am not very sure what was happening on this particular morning exactly, but I just posted in Facebook that I felt qualified to write or speak on relationships. The feedback from my friends was overwhelming. I don’t know what came to their minds when they saw me say I felt qualified, but then I knew I would have an opportunity here to explain what my qualifications here.
I felt qualified because I am so interested in seeing good relationships; I am passionate about seeing marriages work and not just work but people happy in them. I know I mentioned earlier a colleague at work who was discouraging a young lady who was planning her wedding, and these were her words ‘’, Why would you want to get married when others are looking for exit plans ‘’. This really struck me hard, I was barely a year in marriage and I was so determined to enjoy my marriage. By the grace of God I am 14 years in marriage and this far God has been kind.
This write up today will serve as an introduction to a series of many topics we will tackle on relationships. As I write this, one of my other qualification is that I have been on a very long relationship that didn’t work, so I am not writing from a place of perfection. This one is for you who is struggling and feeling inadequate. I can literally identify with most of you.
Before we get in any relationship, I think there are questions which we should be able to answer since they would be helpful in maintaining our relationships. A relationship comes with a lot of commitments, sacrifices, it’s a whole investment. You ought to ask yourself, am I ready? So I found myself in this relationship that lasted for around five years that I cannot explain its Genesis. I know someone will ask, where on earth does this happen. I was a very naïve little girl, I had not planned on getting into any relationship neither can I even explain how I got myself into this one. I am this girl who didn’t have boyfriends in high school like most girls my age. I had planned I will get into a relationship when I was ready for marriage.
I was part of an evangelism group. So many weekends and holidays were mission opportunities for us. It was a group of youngsters, so all of us were not married. There is this brother who had fallen for me and apparently everyone knew I was his girl apart from me. I was invited to preach in their church so many times and I was so innocently unsuspicious. I thought I was just a good preacher that’s why they called me so many times. I am not sure how I got into this relationship, I can’t remember him asking me to be his girlfriend. I think I just got playing along, probably because he had told everyone I was his girlfriend, the church leadership, his parents, literally everyone apart from me.
My dear girls, there is no pressure in wondering what people will think or feel about you saying no or quitting , it is way beyond what we will think or say. Are you happy? This should be about you. It is you who will get hurt, you are number one beneficiary of the heartaches and the happy moments. Make sure you understand what you are getting yourself into, it is important that you are clear on what you are offering too. I started by saying this is just an introduction of a series of talks on relationships.
Kindly watch the space for the following;
What to look for when getting into a relationship.
How the devil will give you reasons to live in condemnation even when God is telling you there’s therefore no condemnation to those who believe.
For some time I have been off the pulpit [the physical pulpit in church]. this kept me so disturbed, confused and guilty all at the same time. It stole my peace and I lived in condemnation.
Most of the time I am listening to sermon from several men and women of God. One of my favorite is Priscilla Shirer. I will listen to her sermon and repeat one sermon even 3 times. One day I heard her say the way one of her sons had told her that when he grows up he wants to be like her, and do what she does; which he later told her, that she does nothing, her work is just sitting behind her computer doing nothing!!
What she said after the story is what provoked me into sharing this today. That no one should tell you that you are not serving God simply because you don’t stand on the pulpit and hold the mic. She continued to say that as you think every single day how to make food that is more interesting for your family that is ministry!! As you teach your babies those bible verses every evening, that is ministry!
One of my very best friends quit a very prestigious job to stay home and just take care of her children and home school them and of course this came with its share of criticism. I just love the way she responded to this during a TV interview, `who would be the better beneficiary of my expertise, and skills than my family!
Beloved please serve from where you are and do it diligently.
Now, listen to what my daughter said to me this afternoon. We had just entered the house after church and we just started sharing what we had carried home from church. After some few minutes of sharing our revelations, this is what my 11 years old daughter told me. `Mom when I look at your face as you talk to me about God, I see an angel, I hear like these words are straight from God through your lips! She started prophesying to me and all I did was say amen! Amen!
Now tell me why I despised those small prayers I do with my family every evening before bedtime? Why would I feel guilty for not serving from the pulpit in church when I am really impacting the generation that God has entrusted me with in my house?
To you who feel so inadequate and imperfect; yes you! Who told you God is looking for the perfect ? God is looking for a willing and available vessel. We are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses. Start from where you are!
More grace! Shalom!
Fear is a human emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that signals our bodies to respond to danger with a fight or flight response. As such it is an essential part of keeping us safe.
In the days we are living in today we are surround by too many chaos, pandemics of all types political, medical, crumbling economics, and inflation all over, a lot of instabilities. Due to this people live in fear and panic, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. The truth is whether the threats we feel are real or perceived, they have a way of affecting our health physically or mentally.
From our definition we said that fear is an essential part of keeping us safe since it signals our bodies to respond to threats. How about when fear is prolonged? How about when all you see around you is danger or failure? Are you this person who when travelling all you are thinking of is possible road accidents? You are in the ocean swimming and all you are thinking of is drowning, storms, sharks? This kind of fear will affect your performance, if you fear failure you keep procrastinating because you would rather not do anything than do it and then it flops.
Jesus said in the book of John 10: “…I have come that they may have life, and have it in abundance.” How will you enjoy the abundance of life that Jesus brought to us if all you see is danger and failure? It is okay to feel fearful once in a while, but you can’t afford to live enslaved by fear and worry. This will bring anxiety, panic attacks.
Years back in my youth I could wake up in the wee hours of the night and go to church for prayers alone. I never thought I would ever fear being out in the dark. Some years later I had an encounter that almost crippled me to an extent of not being able to go out even during the day. This fateful evening at around 7pm I was walking home and I was mugged. My life changed drastically. I remember I would get out of the house probably going to work, and if I heard anybody walking behind me I would imagine I am being followed and I would stop so that whoever was behind me would pass. How sustainable is that? I was living in a town, there would always be a person walking behind me. I had to seek for help.
It is understandable that due to issues we have gone through in life, if we come across familiar scenarios, we may get those experiences, but this moment I am a bearer of good news. Our God cares for us, he anticipates our needs.
In the book of Isaiah 43:1-2 says: ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you’ When you walk through the waters; I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep you over. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. The flames will not set you ablaze.
God new these fearful moments will come, that’s why he is saying, when you walk through the waters or fire. He is not saying if you walk. No wonder the statements ‘fear not’ appears 365 times in our bible to remind us every day that God is with us.
Kindly stick with me so I can show you some ways of dealing with these anxiety and fearful moments.
Meditation is when you focus your mind for a period of time, in silence or vocalizing some bible verses.
The bible has all answers to the issues of life, as you meditate you are thinking deeply about what God has said to us in the situation we are in.
Biblical meditation is being able to search diligently through the bible. Whereas religious cults teach people to empty their minds as a means of meditation, the bible teaches us to fill our minds with God’s word. Meditation requires a quiet heart and a directed mind. When you mull a word over in your head, pursuing truth in the same way that an inquisitive child’s heart pursues an issue, that is meditation. I will meditate within my heart, and my spirit makes diligent search [Ps 77:6] Kris Vallotton
Meditation is the art of staying, not reading scripture in a rush, but taking time to hear God and connecting your heart to his. Keep reading and repeating the verses to you aloud. Scripture unlike any other affirmative words you may use, it has creative power.
Kindly allow me to use the analogy of a teabag. The more the teabag sits in the hot water, the more the tea becomes strong. For tea lovers like myself, even when you are brewing tea you don’t do it hurriedly, you allow it sit on some low heat, and the results are, sweet tea!
With meditation, it is never about arriving but remaining. David said in psalms 1:2 blessed is the one who does not walk in the step of the wicked or stand in the company of mockers, 2 … but whose delight is in law of the lord and who meditates in the law of the day and night. Ps 119:35 … the entrance of your word brings light. As you meditate on his word, he sheds light and understanding in the areas of struggle in your life.
To be spiritually minded is peace. What does an anxious person need more than peace?
Try this out
If you are trusting God for peace, look for a verse that speaks on peace, write on some sticky notes and stick them strategically in the house dress mirror, fridge, sink, so that as you pass you see the verse read it out loud. As you walk go speaking the verse to yourself stick it on the dashboard. It can never be the same again with you!!
The days we are living in right now there are too many pressures that come with people’s expectations set to us for no apparent reason. As though that is no enough, there is inclination to want to impress when we step out, we want to show up and make a lasting impression.
Without going further, allow me to remind you that you will never be able to impress everyone. There will always be that one person who doesn’t like you for no reason at all.
Besides, most of the times the goals we set could be so much influenced by other people hence making us live with unnecessary pressures because we cannot keep up. When you set standards you cannot maintain or goals too hard to maintain, this is when one overtaxes their strengths and not only that but also stress levels start going up.
We could look at one of the issues most people are struggling with, me included. Weight loss! We could start with, why do you want to lose weight? Because of the stigma associated with being a plus size, because people look at you and see a foodie, a junkie; because you saw a beautiful dress on the display and on going to ask for it someone out rightly tells you that those types of dresses, are only for small sizes.
With this kind of pressure, you may go enroll yourself into a gym 2 hours 6 days a week which is not sustainable and so soon you will be too exhausted and end up quitting. The 3kgs you will have shed will soon creep back and they will come back as 5kgs. This will come with frustration, fatigue; you will start looking at yourself as a failure.
To my perfectionist friends, set realistic goals. Avoid setting your goals with the attitude of, I must achieve this and this. Being a perfectionist can impact negatively on you because most of the times as you set the goals, you are driven by the desire to be loved and admired; as a child, you set your goals with the urge to please your parents. You end up being so critical of yourself, you worry too much.
Kindly slow down. Celebrate you small achievements. Celebrate every small step towards your intended goal. Celebrate the process and the journey, if it is weight loss, you may not lose a kg but you may lose a few inches off your waist line. Set goals in a way that you can measure progress. Remember in mathematics, the teacher doesn’t look at the answer, the final answer could be wrong but you will get a mark for getting the formula right, a mark or two for getting the steps right.
As a student, set yourself small steps of change. You had a C- work for a C, then a C+ a step at a time. If you aim for A- and miss it three, four times, it will crash you, stress levels will start mounting up slowly and when some of us can’t handle failure, depression kicks in, others ends up committing suicide.
Girl, slow down and smell the roses.
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May the shalom of God be with you!!
As I am writing on this topic, I am wishing it was an interview with quite a big audience so I would have an understanding of mental wellness or rather mental health from each persons of view without making references.
It is a topic in my opinion that is surrounded by so many misconceptions and stereotypes.
Allow me make a definition of mental wellness with quite a number of words. Being mentally well for me is when I have the ability to learn, feel, express and manage a series of positive and negative emotions. My ability to form and maintain good relationship with others. My ability to maintain my cool even when everything around me is saying I should be worked up.
This said, I believe we can all agree that mental wellness includes our emotional, psychological and our social wellbeing.
I can see you are already checking yourself, do you consider yourself stable? Are you confident of the decision you are making? Are you able to manage stress? I should have started with, are you able to identify your stressors? By your stressors I don’t mean people, but situations and circumstances too.
For starters, we can start by answering this question, how can one boost their mental wellness? The only thing I am doing for myself is, avoid negativity like a plague. On my last 2 blogs I talked on offence. Often times, and especially in this social media days when people are rarely themselves; and people are having ideas and ways of how they want the public to perceive them, and the approval we want from others, when this doesn’t happen as we expected, it starts affecting us, our self- confidence, our self-esteem starts wearing off, if you don’t have the stomach to stand the negativity social media can bring, please see how we can avoid it. This is not entirely limited to social media, there are friends that are so negative, and they will always see something negative in your life. Be it your dressing or hair do, or even opinions, they will always run down you suggestions and opinions. Anyone of negative vibes, kindly keep off! Please look for something or someone who can keep you smiling.
Keep family close, they are the one people who wish the best for you and love you genuinely. It might not be true for everyone, but one thing that is for sure is, there is that one person whose company does you well. Invest in relationships that builds you.
Meanwhile here is something I saw and I think I should share with you otherwise a joke wouldn’t be a joke without someone to joke without someone to share and laugh with.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat; and you tell me to exercise! I don’t think so…
Kindly watch out for the next post, this is just a piece from a series of several of them that are coming up next.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Remember we promised this topic would continue? Apart from offense being a bait like we said earlier, let’s see how else we can define it.
Offense is when people are not polite with others and they fail to show regard to others hence wounding other people’s feelings.
Someone could be asking, why take time to discuss offense? One of the reasons is, Jesus said, “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble!!” Offense is part of this trouble! Secondly, in this day and time, people are committing suicide, murders, suffering in low self-image, and low self-esteem because of offense.
Most of the times we don’t offend people deliberately, some of the things you say meaning well but the person you are saying to takes offense.
Of great worth to note is, you can be offensive simply by what you are trying to be and not the things you are doing or things you are saying.
Here are some of the possible areas we can offend people and possible ways of avoiding offense where possible.
This list can go on and on. From all this it would be true to say, you will offend or be offended in one way or the other. There are people who feel victimized all their lives. Others get offended by almost everything because they take everything to themselves.
It can be so exhausting if you try to please everyone. Please stop trying too hard to fit in. you won’t be able to. There will always be something about you that people don’t like. When you are slender you are called a grasshopper, if you gain some weight, you are called a hippo, and please be you. Be unbothered, be yourself, the world will acclimatize!
There is a story said of a plum.
A plum once said, ‘just because a banana lover came by, I converted myself into a banana. Unfortunately, his taste changed after a few months and so I became an orange. When he said he I was bitter I became an apple, but he went in search for grapes. Yielding to the opinions of so many people, I have changed so many times that I know no more who I am. How I wish I had remained a plum and wait for a plum lover. (#borrowed)
Allow me to remind you that you are unprecedented, so unique kindly enjoy being you.
Please don’t rid your originality so that you can be noticed or so you can avoid offending people. As days get by you will regret you traded your distinctiveness for a moment of fame or endorsement.
There is a platform for each one of us to shine. Please find yours!
I was around 19 years. A couple who were good friends of mine and mentors, people who we were doing ministry; missions, crusades and weekend challenges were planning their wedding.
I gave myself fully to their wedding preparations. Looking back, the kilometers I would walk in a day were crazy, today however much I wanted I wouldn’t make to walk such distances. One evening when I was back home from running some errands for them, I remember mum sitting me down, and this is what she said to me, ‘Em, as you do all this, do it as though you are doing it for God, expecting nothing in return.’ She continued to say, ‘I would not be surprised if the day of your wedding they are not able to support you.’ I really couldn’t understand how, at that time but I chose to believe her. I respect her wisdom and the grace of God upon her life. Live long mum!
Needless to say, these words mum spoke have lived to manifest in my life each and every time. Of course in the day of my wedding, this couple was nowhere.
The early years of my youth were spent in the church. We were either doing missions, weekend challenges, service in the church, sanctuary keeping and so much more even as I was running my small computer business in a room the church had given me.
Whenever there was a function in the church, I would be left back to clean up. We would do wedding parties, pre-weddings in the church hall and I would be sure to remain behind to make sure the couple would not worry about who would wash the utensils and do clean-up. Shock on me, the day of my pre-wedding, I cleaned up everything all by myself. Where were all the people I had helped? As I do this write-up, it’s not from a place of bitterness or pain.
I want to encourage a person seated somewhere feeling rejected or like they don’t belong or even not loved. Let me warn you against offence. Offense is a bait; all it does is it steals your opportunity for God to intervene for you. The most human thing I would have thought of doing is probably leave the church because probably it wasn’t loving enough bla bla…
Allow me share a testimony of what God did for us even as we were preparing for the wedding. one evening as we were going about our computer business, a teacher who was a friend and one of our customers, came to check the progress of some work we were doing for her. So this time she came with her friend, and then she did the introductions and mentioned to the friend that we were preparing for our wedding later in the year. When she heard the name of my fiancé’s dad, she was very excited. She exclaimed, ‘finally I get a place to pay back a kindness that man showed us on our wedding day’. She started narrating how he had helped them on their wedding day. Long story short, the vehicle that carried me on my wedding day was hers, it was the latest model in town, driven by a provincial commissioner who was her husband. See what God does. People we have never met, people we didn’t know. As though that was not enough, every person I approached to give me their vehicle for the wedding, gave me for free, no charges, not even fueling. A mum from church, took my wedding like her own daughter’s wedding and took up all the issues that were giving me challenges.
Truths about offense
1. Offense will make you unable to function properly in your calling because of the wounds and the hurt it causes.
2. Only those care about can hurt you. You expect more from them because after all you’ve done so much for them. The closer the relationship the more severe the Offense. See what David says in Psalms 55:12-14
3. The higher the expectations, the higher the Offense.
4. When someone is offended, they believe they are right and the other person is wrong.
There are two categories:
a) Those who have been treated unjustly
b) Those who believe they have been treated unjustly. To be continued…
I have really struggled writing on this topic, I actually did a draft of this in April 2020 and until now I don’t feel very ready, but I just had to. One of my reasons for being hesitant is because I am not writing from a place of authority, and secondly because I am still a student in this parenting class of life. I know churches have classes, I know books have been written on the same, but I still believe every parent walks a very personal and private path with their unique babies. I will call them unique because even if you have seven of them, each one of them is so different. Unlike any other writer like I mentioned earlier, I am not writing as an authority, but as a student from my own experiences.
Parenting, hmm? This young girl comes into our lives in 2005, we are excited and at the same time afraid. Someone completely dependent on us. Parenting reminds me on just how much I need to depend on God, me unlike God; I don’t know what to do most of the times. This is one of those responsibilities that God has given me that is quite sobering. How could He trust me with so much? I have found myself asking this so many times.
The first came with worries of various kinds, I remember one time she had issues with her bowel movement and when she was able to we would be so excited. We would take her to hospital and I would be told I am not breastfeeding her properly, as a first time mum I am wondering, ‘is there a proper way of breastfeeding’. Parenting is a learning process both for the parent and the (sic) “parentwa..” the child in this case.
This girl, a teenager today, was so adorable. So interesting, everyone who met her just fell in love with her. I would never have words enough to describe her. However one of the experiences that has stuck with me is the first day she started walking without support. She didn’t crawl like most children do; she started moving around the tables and the walls. On her first birthday, we had invited so many children, we were so excited our girl was turning one year. There was so much fun with the many babies around, and that is how my girl decided she couldn’t miss out on the fun, she stood and ran to play with the others, that was the first step and the many steps the same day.
I kept feeling like this girl had taken all my love, like the whole heart really such that I was worried I would have nothing to offer to any other child that we would get. I know this is weird but it’s true. So we are enjoying parenting this bundle of joy despite our shortcomings in the field. A few short years its 2010 and another bundle of joy comes again, by the way why are they called bundles? This time it’s a whole set of challenges but still the joy this child brings is beyond compare.
Two children each adorable in their own right, completely different yet so much the same. Fast forward, 2014 we have another bundle of joy. This time seems to be no different but we are in for a surprise, adorable as the rest but with a mind of his own.
These children are blessed of the Lord and are a blessing to us; through them we have learnt a number of things:
I have found myself on my knees, crying before God for them. Being with them make me want to be better person and parent. Indeed children are like arrows, psalms 127: 5 says he who has quiver full of them is blessed for he will not be put to shame when he contends with his enemies at the gate.
Our job is point them. Putting God at the centre of it all because they belong to him.
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I have been listening to some sermons and what has come across continuously is, life is spiritual. Human beings are spiritual, they will always have some faith, even if not in God, but in something else.
Looking closely, in this journey called life, I have realized things can only tell that life is influenced by two forces greatly. Growing up I was so adorable, I don’t know if I still am; dad’s favorite, the best cousin, the best niece, the teachers’ favorite all the way. So influential, in school, in church to my fellow youth in church. The preaching’s, the teachings … I never struggled with issues that teenagers or the youth struggled with. I was known for being strict, firm and all. One thing that is for sure is, I am so better in ways more than one in comparison to this girl twenty years ago.
Soul searching still, I am left wondering, being more experienced in this school of life, shouldn’t I be way better than I am? Should I be struggling with sin? Should I be struggling with making simple decisions? Should I not be the best wife even after being married for all these years? Should I not be the best parent, daughter… why should I start like five businesses and closing each one of them even when I was so sure I got this right? Why should I struggle with finances even when I have a good job? If I once earned four thousand shillings and now several thousands much more, shouldn’t there be some improvement?
Surely, it’s an error for one to struggle with issues forever. This brought me to this place; life is spiritual. There are things or issues I would never struggle with, as long as I remained single. There are things I would never have to struggle with as long as I never got to a certain level. If you are like me and in agreement with what I think so far, let me tell you something I have learnt in the process.
Just like in a court of law, ignorance is no defense. You can never say you didn’t know. Make it your business to be in the know. As a student if you want to do medicine, you know what grades you should be working for. You want to be a good parent, spouse, there are schools too and areas of influence. Put the same kind of effort you would input into your career, into that masters, into that phd… most of all, the school of the Holy spirit. The school of good mentors and fathers who are ahead of us and doing well. For we are surrounded by a huge crowd of witnesses.
God is not unjust that He won’t reward you for your efforts. Your actions have consequences, choices have consequences and so are the words of your mouth. You can not wish your child does well in school and with the same breath call them names. This week I just learnt of a species of a bird (crane) which naturally makes involuntary noise as it flies up. In as much as this is a part of their make-up, this noise endangers them, because this is how their predators know where they are and zero in on them. As a result of this, as they grow up, they learn to pick a stone with their beaks as they start to fly, that way they don’t make the noise hence cheating on their predators. How often do we attract our predators through our own confessions of defeat, by sharing our dreams prematurely and to the wrong people, by exposing too much too early? Let’s draw a lesson from these birds.
None the less, we have a God in heaven who is interested in your well-being, your success, your sound health… If you are tired in the knowledge of Him as the omnipresent God but never feeling His presence, there is an open opportunity to seek for his manifest presence. Launch into the deep. Only bad things happen by themselves, for every good thing, there is a price, a cost to pay. Be positive, believe in yourself. As a man thinketh, so is he. The beauty of all this is, the grace of God is sufficient, His mercies are new every morning, His loving kindness is from everlasting to everlasting!!!
As married as I am, if you heard me tell a guy I love you, what would come to your mind? Can someone love a person of the opposite sex without any strings attached? Just as a friend. Like I can tell my girlfriend how much I love them? Can I love you and tell you without being judged? Please someone educate me, what’s the big deal? Anyway, this is a story for another day.
For now my biggest question is why can’t we talk about sex freely? In the right context of course. Why will we talk business, parenting, finances but even with our spouses we have issues discussing sex even when we can see there is a problem? Is it possible that the stereotypes associated with this subject affect our marriage relationships?
I hope you didn’t forget the little naïve village girl who has finally come to this town and is in IT business and in the process this IT guy surfaces in her life and he becomes part of her business too.
After some time they agree it’s now time to take this relationship to the next level and they finally get married. At this point, I will reference comments I have heard from people in the course of life. I am not sure I would give me as an example like I have done with most of my write-ups.
I once heard a colleague who I would say was a mature Christian, a married woman and was actually more than a decade in marriage ask a girl who was planning her wedding, ‘how can you be planning on getting into marriage when we are looking for the exit?’ This time I was a newlywed, probably like a year into marriage so I didn’t feel qualified enough even to share my sentiments because I knew I would be silenced like, ‘don’t say much yet, you are still in honeymoon.’
In as much as I remained silent, that comment really disturbed me and I felt so bad. That was so mean. I kept whispering to myself, that shall not be my portion. Every single day of my marriage will be an awesome experience.
The honeymoon isn’t over yet, I have just been into marriage for a decade and a few more years and I have this to say, marriages work, marriages can be fun if founded on the right foundation and with the right person.
With that said, I was reading this book today that was given by a friend like three weeks ago but never created time for it. I actually would say this wasn’t the first time I had come across this book. My experience was the typical, ‘don’t judge a book by its cover.’
It has been said that most of the issues that breaks or destroy marriages are around sex and money. If sex is that important then why don’t we give it the seriousness it deserves? On this account I will discuss sex because this is where the book I was reading comes in. just before I delve deeper into the book, is the way we are socialized around sex issues a challenge that we take along even into marriage? While growing up did I hear too much of how bad sex is? No one even said that it was good at the right time or in the right context of marriage!
So here I am, the wedding has come to an end,
and everyone has gone. I am finally with this guy in a room alone, he is not just visiting, or leaving after dinner, he has just become a bedmate. This girl has lost it and I am wondering, ‘girl, what did you just get yourself into?’ It took me ages of talking myself into it and telling myself, you are here and there’s no turning back. It took me too wrong to appreciate his touch or even a wink because I considered it inappropriate.
Reading this book, ‘How to beat your husband’, I came across a letter from this husband. I am still feeling guys like this one are rare. Of course mine is a gemJ
Kindly have a sneak peak …
My dear loving wife,
During the past year I have attempted to seduce you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times. This averages once every 10 days. The following is a list of the excuses made on the unsuccessful occasions:
We will wake up the children 7
Its too hot 15
Its too cold 3
Too tired 19
Its too early 9
Its too late 16
Pretending to be asleep 33
Your backached 16
Giggling fit 2
Not in the mood 21
Baby crying 18
Is that all you ever think 105
This list went on till he accounted for the difference. I really feel him. I know this too well.
Do you think you can improve our record this coming year?
And then he signs off with his trademark tenderness and loving touch thus:
Your ever-loving husband
(source: Jack Dominian marital break down)
Lessons I have learnt and still learning:
If someone tells you that was a wonderful presentation; or that sermon was powerful, what does it make you feel? Does it make you feel good and your self-worth goes a notch higher? This has left me wondering if self-doubt has become the norm. Right?
This is the one thing that I have struggled with. At some point I am left wondering if I also have problems believing what the word of God says about me.
One time I post something in social media and it has 300 likes and 200 comments. At times I would go through all the likes to see who liked my posts and who commented and what they think of my posts. As though that ain’t enough, I would take offense if a person whom I follow and like each and every post or comment on every post they make do not likewise reciprocate or rather they have never caught an eye on anything I post, even if it was just a photo of myself.
How about those posts I read and are powerful; but simply because these people will never like my comments; I don’t want to leave a comment or like on their posts? Does that make me a jerk or is it Wisdom?? Stop looking at me like that 🙂 These things happen.
How about our choice of clothing; we choose carefully what we wear when and where because; in my opinion we wear for others and not necessarily for ourselves. When you leave the house very smart, in your best, the confidence levels are high that day. How about when you can’t wait to get to work because you are expecting we be all over you claiming how good you look. Supposing no one says about your dressing, it is downright depressing, right?
Have you ever posted a pic for the love of photos like me and this seems to be that “kodak moment” and then someone posts one of those comments that leaves you wondering how on earth can a person be so unkind and unreasonable??
Are you one of the people that are always there for their friends? Anytime they need you, you are responding to all their texts? Are you the one who always calls and you are never called? At times you will even leave missed calls and people won’t call you back. Have you at some point asked yourself how is it that people are too busy for you; or is it you who is too idle or too available?
How does all this make you feel? It could bruise your ego, lower your confidence levels. At times it could even crash your self-esteem. Just wondering does all this change what God thinks of you? Does this change what the bible says about you?
I have been in all these situations. People have had so many misconceptions of me, to some I am unapproachable, to others, I am proud, to others still, I am judgmental, bla. At some point I didn’t believe in me either. Child of God, I have been speaking to me over sometime and I am getting better and I hope this helps you too.
I can only pray that the grace of God be sufficient for you.
Lots of love from me to you. Shalom!
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Is serving in church a sacrifice you do or is it a privilege? During the dating period for believers, it’s advisable that you do it in public. Meet up in public places; if possible, go out as a group or probably with other couples who are dating too, or even some young married couples who are your friends. For me this is so key, specifically because you are able to know how your girl/guy carries himself out in public or among your friends.
My IT guy and I had just the very perfect setup while dating. There are moments that have never skipped my mind almost twenty years down the line. Yeah you heard it right, I know you can’t wait. This juicy tidbit of info, pwaaaah… Anyway, our church used to hold annual conferences every September and this was one of those Septembers, we were yearning, the hustle and bustle that entailed preparations for this big occasion. The church is set. We were hosting a man of God from Tanzania. Apostle Dunstan Maboya, A mighty man of God, well loved by so many, hence there was an over flow of attendance.
My guy being a tech guy, was shooting videos throughout the sessions and assisting with sound. I am yet to see that kind of craving for the word and the move of God. The meetings had been planned in a way that we would have like four sessions with a tea break, lunch break and a few other breaks in between. Surprisingly enough people would refuse to go for breaks; the man of God would plead with the congregants. “Go for lunch, go for break” but these pleas seemed to fall on deaf ears. Actually the evening meetings that were planned to go latest to 9 pm, would extend all the way into the early hours of the next day and everyone would still be full of energy, only when the man of God flat out decided that the session had to come to an end would the congregants leave and remember all this time there are people standing outside along the corridors and outside the windows because we couldn’t get enough space for more seats. Where am I headed with all this?
My guy is shooting all these sessions without breaks. The few hours he would have past midnight after the meetings, were not for rest but to go copy the videos into computers and burn CDS for the people during the meetings the following day. I remember around the fifth day; it had rained heavily. Everyone was so exhausted, the logistics and the up and downs had taken a toll on us. Have you heard the spirit is willing but the bodies were so worn out? Guess what happened, my guy slipped and fell in a trench on his way home. Did you know you can fall asleep in a trench full of water and you are only intoxicated with fatigue? Yeah! Everyone is calling him, because he isn’t home, all of us are in panic. Long story short, in the morning, the white jeans is now brown ;-). By the way we didn’t serve for allowances. We were not on a pay roll.
We went for so many missions together, but there’s another instance that stood out then. I wouldn’t describe what it made me feel then, at least not in writing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Probably it hurt because I was in love, giddily so. So, we go for a weekend challenge in one of our girls’ secondary school. The school was located around six kilometers off the tarmac and the road leading to school is a weather road, the kind that “sende” worked well without you intending to engage in such sport.
We had such a powerful Saturday night meeting but unfortunately our amplifier blew up, a with a haphazard and erratically bellowing smoke the amplifier ended its service. How could we hold a Sunday service without good public address system considering Sunday would be the climax? You know there is something about good sound, which just puts you in the mood, a little waltz and dance here and there. So, we are done with our late supper and poof, an announcement comes from our youth pastor, who was in charge of the missions, the kind that does not allow airing of objections or opinion. This is the kind of announcement that would surely make sure that I didn’t sleep well that night. Actually, the one who was being addressed didn’t feel anything, but I felt really hurt. The girl was in love! ‘Tomorrow morning, So and so will be leaving early so as to get to main church before the service starts there and bring an amplifier and be back in good time for us to start the service here.
It’s not the responsibility given that hurt me. I am not unfair; I didn’t expect the pastor would leave us to go bring the amplifier. You remember the distance from the school to the tarmac? This guy was to walk all the way. As though that’s not enough, he would walk back with the amplifier on the shoulder, a very muddy stretch, with threats of rainfall any time not mentioning “Sende” a sport that could end up in a tangle for dear life. This stuck with me for such a long time.
You said he got born again to win me? I don’t think so. These earned this guy all the bonga points, or are they loyalty points that he needed to have me for a wife. Do you know what these experiences made me feel? This guy loved God, this guy was submissive enough, and it made me think he didn’t get born again for me. His passion, girl was I mesmerized! Hulala! This though wasn’t all that won my heart. This guy is a poet. I love poetry, I love words said from a heart that is in love. “Mi Amor” stuff.
It is in the cool Mountain View slopes of Chogoria, the hens and their chicks are squabbling over an earthworm, the dogs are here and there barking and making a spectacle even as the children chase them up and about. The young man is just bored, sitting with a bowl of Githeri, wondering at just how green the Githeri looks, mmh seems the avocado that has been well mashed into the Githeri is giving the food a lavish green look… yummy. Mellow rhythms with Roland Karu in the background; just seem to resonate well with the young man. Seems everything is slow. Flash backward. The young man was freshly out of Nairobi due to hunger. A story for another day. He was roughed up by life and had come home to rebuild and recollect. Little did the young man know, is life in just a few years would change into a really blessed one.
Fast forward, the young man is into computer repair and is of firm believe, that a customer base that is satisfied is enough advertisement. Because of this, one customer led to the other and then boom! Here I am face to face with a lady I had admired for a long while. A lady of great Nyadhi as I was soon to know. She was greatly feared among us who were of the opposite sex and of course worldly in our ways.
Don’t Mistake me I was a church boy before I got wayward. I have always been interested in church, I remember in one of my foolish declarations of love saying if you and I are separated I will become a pastor. God forgive my foolishness those days. All in the name of infatuation. We always lived for the emotion, that feverish feeling that would leave one lightheaded and making impossible claims. I will swim in a crocodile infested river for you… kind of declarations. Anyways, so her computer is misbehaving. And as she explains what the problem is, I can’t help but marvel at the eloquence of speech and the confidence exuding from this short lady and one that had managed to inspire awe among my peers.
My dream and finally come true, I always had wanted to hear her speak and was curious about what made her so feared. As we talked, I realized that she was the friendliest person I have ever met and blundering in my train of thought I simply blurted it out. Tell me “Why are you so greatly feared?” Immediately I asked I realized just how foolish I sounded. She has that easy laugh that was infectious in its wake, COVID19 of the day I would say. She says to me one of the most interesting statement of the day for me “How can day and night mix” and for some reason it seemed to explain everything to me.
At that time, I had a hunger for reading and I remember one day, she asked me, since you are a computer guy and know the GIGO and FIFO rule, how does that apply to what you read? I was stunned. I loved to read but never really thought about it much on how what I read impacted my life. For those of us not familiar with the terminologies of GIGO and FIFO they mean Garbage In, Garbage Out and First in First Out respectively. She taught me many things in those days. I enjoyed her company and especially when we discussed on issues with her great friend Karimi.
I have always enjoyed a good debate and sometimes that would put me in serious trouble with the two. That 😉 is a story for another day. Fast forward, The Ex is now wondering what we are doing together and making a show of it, I am actually flattered and annoyed at the same time. Dad always used to say, it takes two to argue and as the English say to tangle. I am now looking deeply into my life. Ooo, the boy got born again in the process of debates and discussions. He is in this mess after embracing God. The situation is now leaving a bitter feeling in the mouth. He expected to be welcomed in the fold as part of a big Christian family. Serious lessons were being taught by people He looked up to.
Back to present, the boy is now looking deeply to analyze why He is raising eyebrows, In the process of analyzing, a stunning revelation comes to light. The young man is in love. This only seems to add to the weight of the accusations raised. Though not guilty, in the eyes of the young man that love seemed to render weight to them. I have realized since then that how you feel is not the problem but what you do with what you feel. Some young men today will want to quench and sate those feelings, but am reminded in the face of weakness, the bible says let the weak say I am strong.
After setting a meeting date with myself and I, minutes were drawn and a conclusion made. Declare your feelings, and whether or not your proposal is accepted move on and by the grace of God become everything you’re expected to be. That said, the young man went ahead and made a proposal, and afraid that the proposal would be declined, the intestines seemed to be warped in a painful knot. it’s an evening, closing up the business and we are heading home. He stops the girl mid step and just pops the statement and question that has many holding their breath for an answer at least once in their lifetimes… “I love you and would you be my girlfriend in a relationship that will lead to marriage?”
I had chosen my words carefully and felt confident that I was ready to go the whole mile. The answer I got shocked me and I almost fell in disbelief, I guess I was pretty confident that the feelings were mutual. I guess a No was not the answer I was expecting; I was reeling and staggering in the spirit. I couldn’t speak for a while. I asked why not after a while. She gave me her reasons and they felt valid and justified even though unfair. The man in me felt bested and I knew she could see it in my face. I tried to be a gentleman about by saying “It is well”. It was disconcerting and a quiet disquiet overcame me. Out of the blues I tell her well, I think I need to go back to school. If you need me call me.
I left and went back to college, in college I would keep looking at my phone, wishing she would call and when she did, I would be left angry that she called. I couldn’t understand myself. After a few months in school, I call and apologize and let her know that I had finally come to terms with her decision and would try to be a good friend and brother even if I died in the effort. I knew it would be uphill for me since I had completely lost my heart to her, I was willing to settle for a friend, and knew I would be happy only when She was. Moreover, I knew that if I did something to hurt her, it would hurt me and hurt many times over. I realized just how much so, after she said No. For the first semester all we did is talk about school, church, the business and our friends. The issue that had led to me being in school was never discussed.
One day I am doing my morning class and she calls. I excused myself. Her calls always seemed to brighten my world and when she didn’t call, I felt gloomy and alone. So, she calls and out I go to answer the call in the middle of a lesson. On answering only two words ring and vibrate in my ears, “I accept” Can I dare hope against hope? Am confused and elated at the same, I ask what do you mean? She says I love you too and I accept your proposal. Instead of going back to class I go out of the school gate and to the Roysambu stage and board a Meru bound matatu. The mart seemed to travel at a tortoise speed. At last, in the late afternoon I get to Chogoria, sweet home. I don’t go home but straight to her house and there I decree my never unending love…. But that is my story, this is my counsel: –
– Don’t go looking for poets; it’s not enough to make a husband.
– If your mate loves God more than he/she loves you, even in time of crisis he/she will always have a good point of reference.
– It’s good if you can do together. My IT guy will not go jogging with me and I have made peace with that, but we can write and many other stuffs too.
You remember my new guy? we are finally in the system; weekend challenges, youth missions, crusades during Christmas…
My ex too has moved on, he finally gets married and like a good friend should do, I attended their wedding. I have never known why it looked strange because the stares I got told me clearly no one expected I would attend.
When I call my fiancé now an IT guy, you are probably thinking I left the other guy for a better paid jamaa. This guy had just finished college, actually he had not graduated. By the way, did he even have a bank account? Probably a Cooperative bank Yeah account for the Helb loans.
All this time I am battling with pain from the previous experiences. One thing I thank God for, I am able to do my thing without necessarily fearing what people will think. We fought so many unnecessary battles because probably not many people and especially those who mattered in church then were in agreement with the decisions I had made. I have known the devil uses those who are closest to you because that hurts more. At some point I paid rent twice because apparently no one could remember me paying. Very weird accusations were made that were meant to push us away.
As I was reading a book ‘the circle maker’, I was reminded of experiences we go through but because of the issues we are facing, we are not able to see God. Could be relationships like I am talking about, or just life.
When Balaam’s donkey stopped and it couldn’t continue, he just struck it because he thought it was just misbehaving. When the donkey speaks all of us are all marveled by the talking donkey; we don’t realize the donkey just rescued Balaam from the angel who wanted to strike him dead.
Most of us if you are just healing from a broken relationship, all you feel is the pain of rejection. All you feel is like walls are caving in on you. Looking at all the pain and confusion I was in then, I don’t regret. Most of the time when we are hurting all we pray is that things can go our way. That your relationship works and have a happy ending, that your business rises up again, but we are blind to what God is protecting us from.
Can I tell you something? If I was married to the first guy, today you would not be reading this. Surely God has it all figured out. A friend read one of the articles and told me, in the counsel you gave you forgot something, and here comes what missed from the previous article.
I heard this before but I never considered it important. From my own experience I know it matters. It’s no wonder someone said experience is not the best teacher, tried experience is. What am sharing, was tested and tried on me.
Take a way, real wisdom: Way before the first relationship broke, the IT guy had just come into the picture and rumors were so hot. I remember this friend and a leader in the church talking to me and he asked me, “Do you think if you decided to go back to school in the future your guy would be supportive?”
He then went on to say, “You may not be planning to back to school, but would he support your dreams? Are you of one mind? Are you like minded?” All along I thought love is all that matters. Today am of a different opinion.
Would you be comfortable showing off your girl/guy to your crew? You had better have a person you want to take nature walks with as you show them off to the birds in the bushes. Where would I be 14 years down the line if this guy didn’t crash into my life!
In the day and time, we are living today, I don’t know how many of us would comfortably take the kind of ride I chose then. However; you are not defined by what you are going through now. Your future is way great! Better days are ahead. We went for our walks as he pushed his bicycle. Today with these lockdowns, the moments I miss most are not those we raced with other cars along the highways, not the evenings we rode on his bike; all I want is for us just to stroll because I want to appreciate every single minute with him. I wouldn’t mind a limo or a Lamborghini aventador ride, but am extremely happy at where we are today.
Cheer up! God knows your end from the beginning.
Guys! Get a girl who can tell you no. Okay, this is true for any relationship. Someone who can challenge your decisions will save you from making a lot of blunders and especially when you are about to make decisions emotionally. A person who is vulnerable to you without feeling ashamed or fearing to be judged. Somebody who is interested in those things you like; including a small thing like a movie. My guy will always watch a movie with me in mind. I like the way he says it; “watch blacklist, money heist, whiskey cavalier…. you will like them.” He knows what I like.
This chick/ dude you will be beside them for the longest part of your life. They had better be interesting!
With all this counsel, remember we said God is the best counsel.
This is my prayer for you.
If you are not married yet and you are trusting God for a life partner, may He order your steps. May He give you all the wisdom you require to know the who is really meant for you.
If you are already married and you feel you goofed big time, I pray that God intervenes in your situation and help you realign your marriage. He is interested in your peace and happiness for sure. Marriage was His idea and He want nothing but the best for you.
James 1:5 tells us that if you ask for wisdom, God will give it generously without finding fault: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” …
If you need any type of support; prayer, counsel… don’t hesitate to reach out.
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Just like that, we done with high school. I wouldn’t say I don’t miss the feeling of being a citizen, you have your ID, no bells, bla bla. However, there are experiences I remember and I just get exhausted. I wonder where I got all the strength. Keeping my faith through high school for me was such a big deal. I am grateful to God I pulled through. I am finally a citizen and I have joined a team of youth and every weekend we were up and about preaching; weekend challenges, door to door evangelism, crusades.
I will call it a fateful Sunday evening. I am back from some crusade and on getting home, I am told my Christian union patron from high school had just left. He had come looking for me because of a nice opportunity that had come up. Remember this is a person who didn’t come from my neighborhood so for me twas a great deal.
I couldn’t wait for the following day so I could go look for him. The night was long, nothing I deed would shorten the hours. It’s morning finally and off I went to go hear of the great news. Could I hide the excitement from my face? How about feeling special that of all those we had completed school with he just came for me.
A couple that came preaching during our weekend challenges at school had requested that they would be sent her girl who they would mentor on discipleship and missions. What more would a 18 years girl so passionate about the gospel of Jesus Christ ask for. This was the sweetest piece of news ever.
Beloveth, that’s how I became a house help for 3 months. Actually I was so kind to allow them enough time to look for another girl. There is nothing wrong about being a house help! However, someone should have been sincere enough to tell me what they wanted.
We lived in a very posh neighborhood though and this village girl liked everything there. One Saturday morning my employer, for lack of a better name, brings me a dress, sweater and a boob top. I was so excited, I thought they were gifts; I remember saying to myself, its not so bad after all. Little did I know they would be deducted generously from my 3k salary! I however took my lesson, God knew one day I would be an employer. I now know better!
Just like that, the three months notice was done and I am back at the village. Atleast I had gained some experience in cooking and taking care of the little ones. How about travelling to and fro Nairobi alone for the first time. That was an accomplishment.
The little naïve girl’s come back had really ruffled very many feathers and she didn’t even know. Definitely having been to the city for a few days brought with it some improvement in grooming. It didn’t occur to me the special treatment i received was not just because the brothers were good gentlemen😉
Several issues came up, I finally found myself in a 5 years long relationship that I don’t remember someone proposing. For fear of hurting people or what will people, or the church say, I wasted myself big time. Hey girlie, arise! You had better know what you want with yourself, please say no and continue like nothing happened. Dah!
As I write this now, I am happily married for 14 years to a guy that God had preserved for me. He came from nowhere (story for another day). I definitely am not hurting from things that happened when I was 23. I am writing this for you who is feeling confused by all baggage that life has heaped on you.
Looking back, I understand predestination! All I can say is imela papa!
Arise! Shake it off! God has you!