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The Desire for Validation

If someone tells you that was a wonderful presentation; or that sermon was powerful, what does it make you feel? Does it make you feel good and your self-worth goes a notch higher? This has left me wondering if self-doubt has become the norm. Right?

This is the one thing that I have struggled with. At some point I am left wondering if I also have problems believing what the word of God says about me.

One time I post something in social media and it has 300 likes and 200 comments. At times I would go through all the likes to see who liked my posts and who commented and what they think of my posts. As though that ain’t enough, I would take offense if a person whom I follow and like each and every post or comment on every post they make do not likewise reciprocate or rather they have never caught an eye on anything I post, even if it was just a photo of myself.

How about those posts I read and are powerful; but simply because these people will never like my comments; I don’t want to leave a comment or like on their posts? Does that make me a jerk or is it Wisdom?? Stop looking at me like that 🙂   These things happen.

How about our choice of clothing; we choose carefully what we wear when and where because; in my opinion we wear for others and not necessarily for ourselves. When you leave the house very smart, in your best, the confidence levels are high that day. How about when you can’t wait to get to work because you are expecting we be all over you claiming how good you look. Supposing no one says about your dressing, it is downright depressing, right?

Have you ever posted a pic for the love of photos like me and this seems to be that “kodak moment” and then someone posts one of those comments that leaves you wondering how on earth can a person be so unkind and unreasonable??

Are you one of the people that are always there for their friends? Anytime they need you, you are responding to all their texts? Are you the one who always calls and you are never called? At times you will even leave missed calls and people won’t call you back. Have you at some point asked yourself how is it that people are too busy for you; or is it you who is too idle or too available?

How does all this make you feel? It could bruise your ego, lower your confidence levels. At times it could even crash your self-esteem. Just wondering does all this change what God thinks of you? Does this change what the bible says about you?

I have been in all these situations. People have had so many misconceptions of me, to some I am unapproachable, to others, I am proud, to others still, I am judgmental, bla. At some point I didn’t believe in me either. Child of God, I have been speaking to me over sometime and I am getting better and I hope this helps you too.

MY COUNSEL

  • Stop seeking validation from people.
  • If you do not respect yourself, no one will.
  • If you don’t love yourself, no one will.
  • John 10:35- The word of God cannot be broken. What the word of God says about you shall never be change only if you believe.
  • Job 22:28- You shall decree a thing and it shall be established for you; and the light shall shine upon your ways. Keep declaring the word of God upon your life and it shall be established for you.
  • Stop trying to be what you are not. Because you are better than that. You are unique, a loyal priesthood. Please be you, no one can be what you are.
  • You are God’s own workmanship. Stop letting yourself down.
  • By the time I am posting a pic or a write up like this, I am always anticipating all types of feedback, criticism because I know there’s someone who will never see any good in me and I have made peace with this fact.
  • I have also learnt to compete only with myself because there will always be people who are better than me and this does not intimidate me at all.
  • Child of God, focus on the purpose of God for you.

I can only pray that the grace of God be sufficient for you.

Lots of love from me to you. Shalom!

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THE SPUR

You remember my new guy? we are finally in the system; weekend challenges, youth missions, crusades during Christmas…

My ex too has moved on, he finally gets married and like a good friend should do, I attended their wedding. I have never known why it looked strange because the stares I got told me clearly no one expected I would attend.

When I call my fiancé now an IT guy, you are probably thinking I left the other guy for a better paid jamaa. This guy had just finished college, actually he had not graduated. By the way, did he even have a bank account? Probably a Cooperative bank Yeah account for the Helb loans.

All this time I am battling with pain from the previous experiences. One thing I thank God for, I am able to do my thing without necessarily fearing what people will think. We fought so many unnecessary battles because probably not many people and especially those who mattered in church then were in agreement with the decisions I had made. I have known the devil uses those who are closest to you because that hurts more. At some point I paid rent twice because apparently no one could remember me paying. Very weird accusations were made that were meant to push us away.

As I was reading a book ‘the circle maker’, I was reminded of experiences we go through but because of the issues we are facing, we are not able to see God. Could be relationships like I am talking about, or just life.

When Balaam’s donkey stopped and it couldn’t continue, he just struck it because he thought it was just misbehaving. When the donkey speaks all of us are all marveled by the talking donkey; we don’t realize the donkey just rescued Balaam from the angel who wanted to strike him dead.

Most of us if you are just healing from a broken relationship, all you feel is the pain of rejection. All you feel is like walls are caving in on you. Looking at all the pain and confusion I was in then, I don’t regret. Most of the time when we are hurting all we pray is that things can go our way. That your relationship works and have a happy ending, that your business rises up again, but we are blind to what God is protecting us from.

Can I tell you something? If I was married to the first guy, today you would not be reading this. Surely God has it all figured out. A friend read one of the articles and told me, in the counsel you gave you forgot something, and here comes what missed from the previous article.

I heard this before but I never considered it important. From my own experience I know it matters. It’s no wonder someone said experience is not the best teacher, tried experience is. What am sharing, was tested and tried on me.

Take a way, real wisdom: Way before the first relationship broke, the IT guy had just come into the picture and rumors were so hot. I remember this friend and a leader in the church talking to me and he asked me, “Do you think if you decided to go back to school in the future your guy would be supportive?”

He then went on to say, “You may not be planning to back to school, but would he support your dreams? Are you of one mind? Are you like minded?” All along I thought love is all that matters. Today am of a different opinion.

Would you be comfortable showing off your girl/guy to your crew? You had better have a person you want to take nature walks with as you show them off to the birds in the bushes. Where would I be 14 years down the line if this guy didn’t crash into my life!

In the day and time, we are living today, I don’t know how many of us would comfortably take the kind of ride I chose then. However; you are not defined by what you are going through now. Your future is way great! Better days are ahead. We went for our walks as he pushed his bicycle. Today with these lockdowns, the moments I miss most are not those we raced with other cars along the highways, not the evenings we rode on his bike; all I want is for us just to stroll because I want to appreciate every single minute with him. I wouldn’t mind a limo or a Lamborghini aventador ride, but am extremely happy at where we are today.

Cheer up! God knows your end from the beginning.

Guys! Get a girl who can tell you no. Okay, this is true for any relationship. Someone who can challenge your decisions will save you from making a lot of blunders and especially when you are about to make decisions emotionally. A person who is vulnerable to you without feeling ashamed or fearing to be judged. Somebody who is interested in those things you like; including a small thing like a movie. My guy will always watch a movie with me in mind. I like the way he says it; “watch blacklist, money heist, whiskey cavalier…. you will like them.” He knows what I like.

This chick/ dude you will be beside them for the longest part of your life. They had better be interesting!

With all this counsel, remember we said God is the best counsel.

This is my prayer for you.

If you are not married yet and you are trusting God for a life partner, may He order your steps. May He give you all the wisdom you require to know the who is really meant for you.

If you are already married and you feel you goofed big time, I pray that God intervenes in your situation and help you realign your marriage. He is interested in your peace and happiness for sure. Marriage was His idea and He want nothing but the best for you.

James 1:5 tells us that if you ask for wisdom, God will give it generously without finding fault: “If any of you lacks wisdomhe should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” …

If you need any type of support; prayer, counsel… don’t hesitate to reach out.

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MY DIARIES

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Just like that, we done with high school. I wouldn’t say I don’t miss the feeling of being a citizen, you have your ID, no bells, bla bla. However, there are experiences I remember and I just get exhausted. I wonder where I got all the strength. Keeping my faith through high school for me was such a big deal. I am grateful to God I pulled through. I am finally a citizen and I have joined a team of youth and every weekend we were up and about preaching; weekend challenges, door to door evangelism, crusades.

“SOUL WINNING”

I will call it a fateful Sunday evening. I am back from some crusade and on getting home, I am told my Christian union patron from high school had just left. He had come looking for me because of a nice opportunity that had come up. Remember this is a person who didn’t come from my neighborhood so for me twas a great deal.

I couldn’t wait for the following day so I could go look for him. The night was long, nothing I deed would shorten the hours. It’s morning finally and off I went to go hear of the great news. Could I hide the excitement from my face? How about feeling special that of all those we had completed school with he just came for me.

A couple that came preaching during our weekend challenges at school had requested that they would be sent her girl who they would mentor on discipleship and missions. What more would a 18 years girl so passionate about the gospel of Jesus Christ ask for. This was the sweetest piece of news ever.

Beloveth, that’s how I became a house help for 3 months. Actually I was so kind to allow them enough time to look for another girl. There is nothing wrong about being a house help! However, someone should have been sincere enough to tell me what they wanted.

We lived in a very posh neighborhood though and this village girl liked everything there. One Saturday morning my employer, for lack of a better name, brings me a dress, sweater and a boob top. I was so excited, I thought they were gifts; I remember saying to myself, its not so bad after all. Little did I know they would be deducted generously from my 3k salary! I however took my lesson, God knew one day I would be an employer. I now know better!

Just like that, the three months notice was done and I am back at the village. Atleast I had gained some experience in cooking and taking care of the little ones. How about travelling to and fro Nairobi alone for the first time. That was an accomplishment.

The little naïve girl’s come back had really ruffled very many feathers and she didn’t even know. Definitely having been to the city for a few days brought with it some improvement in grooming. It didn’t occur to me the special treatment i received was not just because the brothers were good gentlemen😉

Several issues came up, I finally found myself in a 5 years long relationship that I don’t remember someone proposing. For fear of hurting people or what will people, or the church say, I wasted myself big time. Hey girlie, arise! You had better know what you want with yourself, please say no and continue like nothing happened. Dah!

As I write this now, I am happily married for 14 years to a guy that God had preserved for me. He came from nowhere (story for another day). I definitely am not hurting from things that happened when I was 23. I am writing this for you who is feeling confused by all baggage that life has heaped on you.

Looking back, I understand predestination! All I can say is imela papa!

Arise! Shake it off! God has you!

Reminisces/Memoirs

… They called her Emmoh, Emmy, Emmie, Em…the little petite naïve village girl. For reasons divine she enjoyed favor unexplainable, everywhere she went. At home the siblings felt she was dad’s favorite so they would use her to get whatever they wanted.

Fast forward, I am now in high school, very tiny. Initially I didn’t know anyone as I was reporting but later I saw faces I had met elsewhere. Being born again and no mentor, no one to look up to, I didn’t know what exactly was the right thing to do. Like any other girl I had this book that acted like a scrap book but specifically for lyrics. Not gospel of course. Please don’t look at me like that 😊 Yes, something would tell me it’s not right though, so I would do it under cover (Chini ya maji).

God had a way of preserving me all through. When the book of Ephesians says that even before the foundations of the earth were laid and made God knew you and predestined you, I am a sure believer of this.

I remember this particular evening a girl who was probably in form three or four came to our class and she calls out my name and I am wondering how does she even know me. As I followed her I am just wondering what on earth did I do or not do? All kind of thoughts were rushing through my mind. We walked silently along the then dark corridors; at least they were not well lit. Whatever was happening from within me you can bet wasn’t silent. One thing I knew I was a very good girl to have crossed anyone’s path 😊 yeah, I was good and I knew it.

I get into a meeting with teachers and some students. Getting into a meeting where everybody is seated already, I was so sure whatever it was, the verdict had been passed already. I was so sure my stay in this school was about to become miserable already if I was to last. So I was to know later that these were the Christian Union patrons and officials. I was informed that I had been chosen to represent the form ones in the Christian union leadership. This was one sure assurance that God had no plans to leave me to the impact of peer pressure! He for sure had me and He was right on time.

I was later chosen as a class prefect. People said enough times how I had leadership skills to have become the CU chairlady and a head girl … I however felt differently. It was nothing about leadership skills; it was purely God’s way of preserving me through high school. He mentored me by himself!

Being a leader, I had to be extremely careful about my character. Yes, I knew I was being watched; I knew someone was looking up to me; A role model to many. That for sure helped me a great deal.

Being a prefect of course you cross with so many people, especially those that will be punished because their names appeared in a list you forwarded. This is the category that called me “ka-holy-joh”. Actually, one of them told me. We will see how long your salvation would last after we finish school.

As I write this, I don’t have a problem with all the experiences. I am writing this for you who are in a situation that would probably compromise your faith. Just cast your cares to Jesus. He’s got everything figured out. He’s got you!

“Take it to the Lord in prayer.”